Sometimes, you just have

to wait.

Your mind might keep

telling you

that you are living

a lie,

that your hopes float

on a sinking ship,

that you heart is

wrong.

Sadly, your mind

is right.

Yet, you wait.

The waiting gives you

a way to

while away the

snail-like time…

much like writing poetry

about your loss…

for the few moments

that the poem lasts,

your loss is not yours…

The waiting gives you

a way to dream

of things impossible

of things delusional

of things you would never

confess to

because you know them

to be

false…

you know them to exist

only withing the

confines of

your

beating, dreaming

heart.

So, you wait…

Wait for the joy to arrive

Wait for the moment to come

Wait for these days to pass

Wait for the loss to return.

It might disgust you,

the falsity

of your life:

every second, every minute

lost in hopeless

meaningless

fantasy…

beautiful indeed, but never

never to come true.

And yet, it is

easiest

to wait.

Wait with your

hands folded

in your lap,

your eyes lost

in the depths of fantasy,

your feet tapping

to music of another world…

And somehow, you believe

quite disgustingly

that this faith

will end your wait…

that it shall arrive

after all.

I should be at work now. Working. But oh well, it passed my mind that it’s been ages since I’ve glanced upon my blog a.k.a landfill of useless thoughts. now, you might think i’ve turned over a new leaf and stopped pretending to be a great thinker and suchlike. but truth is, i’ve been accumulating four months’ worth of pointless thoughts in my mind and i should spew them out – for the good of my mental health. and my roommate’s. and because i should be working. and since i’m an expert at doing what i shouldn’t be.

it’s unethical to blog at work when you should be working. i’m disgruntled. and i haven’t written anything but five-page long essays for the past four months.

i know i sound devastated. but i’m not. i’ve just found a new way of expressing myself. ’tis disturbing because i once believed that i was born to leave behind written testimonies of my insanity. but apparently i was wrong. oh god, it is disturbing. point is that i don’t think i’m expressing myself nowadays. it’s abnormal, but i don’t feel the need to.

i should get back to writing. and i hope to god that no one i’m likely to meet in the next couple of days reads my blog. i come across as a more depraved person than i really am. ja, that’s what my writing does.

yes indeed. i feel a lot better after writing. even if it is plain nonsense. and well, it’s easier to write without capitalzing letters. it’s funny how grammatical puritans (does that even make sense?) flip out at such harmless birthrights that human beings are entitled to.

alright, i should stop now.

i’ll be here more often than in the past.

and as a closing note : cornell is awesome. i *am* falling in love with physics all over again. it’s a wonderful feeling. and i remain a dork.

I am terribly guilty. I never intended to kill this blog. I’ve frequently thought of coming back and reviving it…but it remained just that – a thought. I’d forgotten this junkyard of my thoughts so thoroughly that I had to sit in front of my computer and contemplate the different user names and passwords I’ve used in the past.

And now, I feel guiltier because I’m not returning in great joy…I’m utterly jobless and utterly miffed and utterly sick. I want to go to Paris or go chasing after butterflies or do something random.

And this would be quite surprising because now is not the time to do random things. I haven’t packed, I haven’t given much thought to the bloody CASE. I am so sick.

There are happier posts right below.

I’m not producing pleasant results. 😦

By the way, I like touching touch-me-nots. And I am bored now.

ohmigawdd!! there’s a pretty little smiley right at the bottom of this page. and i’ve never seen it in the past one year. it is so cute, i could kiss it. scroll down 🙂

i’m suffering from a freaking writer’s block! there’s no muse in my life. and this has to come at a time when i have the opportunity to use my writing skills to make money. and at a time when swine flu is spreading in the u.s. and i’ve gotten into cornell. do you see the coincidence? and at a time when the world’s sinking in a recession.

what a wonderful time!

fragments of part 1 that refuse to leave part 2

well, i took my jee yesterday

all i remember now is a world drowned in grey.

it was truly a sickening experience

it sucks out of you every perceivable sense.

which is why as you can see

i’m writing verse on the jee!

it’s left me feeling dumb

and extremely extremely numb.

i wish i’d never known about it,

it would have saved me from a whole lot of shit.

the phantom has begun to haunt me again

the so called test of the capabilities of the brain.

i just wish those fogies would understand

that intelligence is an affair that’s much more grand.

it’s about imagination and freedom

it’s about escaping boredom.

it ain’t about slogging for two long years

and staying away from story books (aside: and books on advanced quatum theory coz it isn’t included in the jee portions! ta dah!)  like pleasure-renouncing seers.

it isn’t about just learning to solve sums,

and losing the pretty thing – passion – like a bunch of bums.

i simply fail to comprehend,

the values that the jee tries to defend.

all i know is that it’s taken over the goddamn country

left it in awe – beyond every know degree.

i know that there are few who think like me

but the point is the jee doesn’t let us be.

but i’m positive that some day, things will change,

when people’s views on the jee will finally cross the present range.

till then i can only wait in this atmosphere

which only manages to induce, of pretty science, an unknowable fear.

i can only wait in this situation, which to science is most sinister,

unless i become the education minister!

ya, there ends my love-hate affair with the jee. i’m done, finally done.

*heaves a HUGE sigh of relief*

My life – part 2

Yes, it has been a long time. But, I have returned. I never forgot about this blog…it was always on the back of my mind. Blame it on the God of Time, if there is one. I’ve been so utterly short of time. Call it scrounge, if you would.

I’ll tell you about my latest obsessions :

1) The Cornell Class of 2009 sweatshirt 😛
2) The red Case for Cornell that I can now carry around – finally, after I lost the red Harvard file when I was in the 7th grade, the one that I still brood over *sob* Don’t I sound pathetically melodramatic. Travails of histrionics 😛

3) My plants to which I read poetry everyday. The really love it! And, they’re die-hard fans of Tagore and Yeats.

4) Searching for the existence of quantum-like consciousness packets.

Well, that’s my life. Apart from preparing for the JEE which ain’t pleasant. And, I’m in no mood to blog about unpleasant things.

this is just the beginning… no, i’m not sour. it feels like poetic justice, in  a strange sort of way.

reality dawns upon me, quite realistically.

crashes to the ground, looks up at me

like shattered glass. i can see myself in it,

in broken pieces – quite whole, nevertheless.

i can see it all – the past, the present, the future,

shining and dimming at a distance – like

twinkling stars in the soft night sky.

i still have hope, i still have choice,

but i also have the realization that

i can hurt myself – as much as others.

that i can make my little feet bleed,

making the going tough…

bleed on those very shattered pieces.

but, i shall have to walk over them,

To mock that dream with yet another.

I feel grown up and happier – in a mature sort of way. It’s epiphany, the bursting of a chimera.

Don’t I sound like a different person today?

well, well… i’m done with two exams – the FINAL ones in school. and at the end of 5 hours of writing and writing, all i’ve to say is that i am very dazed.

extremely, extremely dazed, if that’s enough emphasis.

i’m done with both my english papers and they were the kind of papers that would’ve seemed the same to someone who loves poetry and someone who loathes poetry and someone who doesn’t give a damn.

uhuh, that’s how it was. now it’s especially bad if you love poetry and you’re asked to merely ‘describe’ a self-explanatory poem ‘in your own words’ for 25 marks. which isn’t quite originally possible, so you borrow lines from the poem, paraphrase them and write them without the lovely quotation marks.

i would honestly, if i get a chance (and i hope i do), dunk the head of the guy (well, anonymously to save the dear mark sheet) who set this paper – which was appalling to say the very least.

but, to be honest, in retrospect, i did really well…

i’m just disappointed that they didn’t work my grey cells as much as i wanted them to. they didn’t work them at all, in reality.

so, yay! anyhow…. five more to go and i’m out of school 🙂

My board exams have begun! But I feel like they’ve ended, and rightly so. My first (and last) exam was Physics Practicals (translated in my conscious and sub-conscious minds as SINISTER). Two whole years of never having an exam-like exam and two whole years of sitting with a calculator after ever Physics lab class (ah, the much dreaded Tuesdays!) and frantically manipulating values reached a happy crescendo – right values, nice examiners, nice apparatus, an extremely lovable question paper.

Whoa! It was a pure anti-climax at that, I mean after two whole years of “I’m so gonna flunk in Physics practs.” and trala trala.

O yes, I love lenses and electrical circuits and no parallaxes and everything that ISC Physics Practicals has to offer – today, I’m not partial towards my dearest cyclotron. Ahhh…It’s not often that I hear myself saying such things. 😉

And so my story ends like a fairy tale and I shall truly live happily ever after….

God, don’t I sound happy?