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this is just the beginning… no, i’m not sour. it feels like poetic justice, inΒ  a strange sort of way.

reality dawns upon me, quite realistically.

crashes to the ground, looks up at me

like shattered glass. i can see myself in it,

in broken pieces – quite whole, nevertheless.

i can see it all – the past, the present, the future,

shining and dimming at a distance – like

twinkling stars in the soft night sky.

i still have hope, i still have choice,

but i also have the realization that

i can hurt myself – as much as others.

that i can make my little feet bleed,

making the going tough…

bleed on those very shattered pieces.

but, i shall have to walk over them,

To mock that dream with yet another.

I feel grown up and happier – in a mature sort of way. It’s epiphany, the bursting of a chimera.

Don’t I sound like a different person today?

well, well… i’m done with two exams – the FINAL ones in school. and at the end of 5 hours of writing and writing, all i’ve to say is that i am very dazed.

extremely, extremely dazed, if that’s enough emphasis.

i’m done with both my english papers and they were the kind of papers that would’ve seemed the same to someone who loves poetry and someone who loathes poetry and someone who doesn’t give a damn.

uhuh, that’s how it was. now it’s especially bad if you love poetry and you’re asked to merely ‘describe’ a self-explanatory poem ‘in your own words’ for 25 marks. which isn’t quite originally possible, so you borrow lines from the poem, paraphrase them and write them without the lovely quotation marks.

i would honestly, if i get a chance (and i hope i do), dunk the head of the guy (well, anonymously to save the dear mark sheet) who set this paper – which was appalling to say the very least.

but, to be honest, in retrospect, i did really well…

i’m just disappointed that they didn’t work my grey cells as much as i wanted them to. they didn’t work them at all, in reality.

so, yay! anyhow…. five more to go and i’m out of school πŸ™‚

My board exams have begun! But I feel like they’ve ended, and rightly so. My first (and last) exam was Physics Practicals (translated in my conscious and sub-conscious minds as SINISTER). Two whole years of never having an exam-like exam and two whole years of sitting with a calculator after ever Physics lab class (ah, the much dreaded Tuesdays!) and frantically manipulating values reached a happy crescendo – right values, nice examiners, nice apparatus, an extremely lovable question paper.

Whoa! It was a pure anti-climax at that, I mean after two whole years of “I’m so gonna flunk in Physics practs.” and trala trala.

O yes, I love lenses and electrical circuits and no parallaxes and everything that ISC Physics Practicals has to offer – today, I’m not partial towards my dearest cyclotron. Ahhh…It’s not often that I hear myself saying such things. πŸ˜‰

And so my story ends like a fairy tale and I shall truly live happily ever after….

God, don’t I sound happy?

Epilogue to my previous post: I’ve gotten back to being myself! I’m happy as ever and I’m not freaking out.Β  πŸ™‚

i graduated on the 31st. in a sari. but, that’s not the point.

the point is that 14 years of my life are culminating to an end.
all the emotions, all the work, all the travails of these past years, most of my life, actually are going to be condensed into a month and that’s it. khatam.

it’s hard to believe.

i was blank yesterday. i didn’t feel a thing. i was just sitting there listening to speeches, long cliched, about dreams and hopes and tralalala, wondering whether i was ‘really’ sitting there. it seemed all to surreal.

even the choir didn’t succeed in making me cry. and that was the case with most people.

i guess it hasn’t sunk in yet. all of us are like how can 14 years end like that. with the snap of one’s fingers. it’ll take some time before it bangs me right in the face – ‘END OF SCHOOL!’

If I were given the choice though, i would really go back in time.

I’m suddenly too scared to grow up, as much as I’m waiting with baited breath for the time when I’ll have the time to learn something new.

I honestly wouldn’t mind becoming a toddler again, starting all over again, learning my ABC and going through the torture of learning how to subtract two-digit numbers! Oh, yes I remember that from my second grade.

‘If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings’

That’s what Kipling says in If…

I’m sure Kipling didn’t mean what I mean now πŸ™‚

I’ll get back on this later. For now, it suffices to know that I have graduated.

looking forward

my public exams start in less than a month. and i am actually freaking out. this isn’t normal and my mom’s freaking out because it simply isn’t normal.

so, she’s left me at home to get back to being myself, a.k.a not freaking out, and i’m thinking.

a lot of things in my life have changed. little things, which aren’t noticeable… but you can feel the change.
like the thread that become loose in woolen sweaters and you run your hand over them and you can feel the bumps. but it looks perfectly fine to the eyes.

hmm…it’s weird and i’m trying really really hard to feel the way i used to feel a few months ago. it’s not just the exams. it’s the general way i look at life…. it’s not depressing, it doesn’t give joy. it’s just there, indifferently moving along with me.

i’ve been mailing a prof. at one of the iits and i was telling him about my dreams of unifying spirituality and physics. and he reacted pretty umm… dourly to it. and that’s when i realized that what i’m venturing into need not necessarily earn people’s approval especially because faith (int whatever) is such a personal choice.

and to talk about dealing with faith in a mathematical, academic way is obviously not going to get down too well with people.

the correspondence i’ve had with this prof also taught me the cues i ought to take while looking for a research guide in the near future. i need to be careful, and perhaps treat spirituality and physics disjointedly, at least in the first few years of my research.

i’ve been thinking a lot about special relativity and the implications it has on human psychology, intuition, faith and the related things.

aside: i need to take a class/ self-learn Jungian psychology after march 19th and meet Dr. Brian Weiss ( i wish – *sigh* )

i went to the kindergarten section of my school on tuesday with the intention of taking a survey on the perception that children have of time.
but i ended up scaring a couple of them and the teachers shooed me away. damn! that just goes to show how well, maternal i can be. ahrrmmm.

well, i’m graduating on saturday. which means i’ll be wearing a sari and will be feeling thoroughly uncomfortable, but hopefully pretty πŸ˜›

adieu till whenever i feel like spewing out thoughts…. what do you call it? blog pollution?

i’m feeling bored after a long time. and yes, i’ve returned.

i’ve been really really busy for the past few weeks. all the mounting work has kept me occupied (aside: whether i enjoyed it or not. ahrmm.)

now, i’ve actually started studying for my public exams, jee and a hoard of other entrance exams.

and, i constantly have to drown a voice in my mind that says- ‘I don’t believe in reducing science to this trash.’
No, i’m not complaining. That’s a resolution of sorts that I took a few days back.
It just strikes me as weird that a great part of our lives are spent doing things that we don’t really believe in, that we spend a lot of our lives doing things simply because they HAVE to be done.

The proverbial ‘Following one’s heart’ is rubbish for all I know – unless you’re stinking rich or stinking powerful or you don’t mind reducing yourself to a mangled mass of starved flesh (in which case, you wouldn’t end up following your heart.)

God, am I making sense? i think I’m sounding spastic.
Have I given my blog url to admissions people? Yikes.

Bah! But I need to blog! Grr…

My train of thought just got disturbed. Damn!

I’m reading Robert Resnick’s An Introduction to Special Relativity from the beginning, when i’m able to allow myself the luxury of time.
God, it’s a book that FORCES you to stay alive – figuratively and literally. It reassures you, rubs into your mind that the world is beautiful, that the world is ambiguous, that there’s loads left to find out.

It’s like looking up at the night sky and closing your eyes to the clamour around you. Hmmm….

I watched Slumdog Millionaire. Well, I wouldn’t endorse AB’s view that it makes a statement about India’s poverty and that that’s all that India is. I think it’s quite an eye-opener to a lot of ppl in the middle and upper classes about how ppl ACTUALLY live in Dharavi and the various rackets. But, it isn’t a great movie. Not great to win an Oscar or a Golden Globe. It’s a good one, though, with good actors.

Well, I gotta go.

On a lighter note, I’m glad the CERN ppl weren’t able to discover the Higg’s Boson. I’m on the way, y’all! Ta dah!

Murder

Blood splutters all around,
Drops drip to the ground – flying dots.
The knife drops to the floor – thud.
Sickening. Bloody.
I hear a distant siren and start to walk away…
The tap gushes out water,
The paint dissolves, fades away…

I let my work – my killing- dry in the sunshine;
It is forever embedded in space and time.

I am acquitted, free from trials.